Alone

For me, the word “alone” used to trigger the feeling of not being seen, not understood, not loved, abandoned, abandoned.

Out of "Nobody loves Me" became "I am not worthy of love“.

Out of "Nobody understands me" became "There's something wrong with me“.

„Nobody sees me“ became “Why do I even exist?“

These thoughts are dangerous and quickly put us in a helpless victim mode where fear reigns supreme. I have taken this path and it leads to a dead end, a dead end. The path is no good, leave it quickly.

Today we seem so connected thanks to technology, and yet we feel lonely more often. What is lonely? Lonely means suffering from being alone. Alone itself is neutral.

I used to think I was “alone.” That I'm the only one who suffers and can't cope with life. Everyone has the answers, but not me. I thought no one would understand me, my pain, my story, it is special, different.

The problem with being special is that it isolates you, separates you from everyone else, and makes you lonely. You are here, the others are there.

Such thoughts isolated me. I was afraid to talk to anyone about my problems. They wouldn't understand. They would find out there was something wrong with me. I was afraid of being judged. (Apparently that's no longer the case. It's more important to me now to share my experience, even if it only helps one person and everyone else thinks I'm weak and lost.) I thought my pain was special. My ego liked that. But it didn't do me any good to think like that.

When I started a program to look inside myself with others, I was initially afraid to share. So I listened. As people told their stories, I saw myself in each and every one of them. I realized that these people were going through very similar things, just packaged differently. I realized I wasn't alone. In fact, in every encounter I had, I began to see the pain and suffering in people's eyes and faces. I recognized myself in it. And I realized that we are all in the same boat.

Holding on to the belief that no one will understand me, that no one can understand what I'm going through, that my suffering and pain is unique, only serves my ego. I felt special. Not in a good way, but still something special. Giving up that belief meant that I was no longer special and my ego didn't like that at all. I didn't know that letting go was the end of my suffering. That we all go through our personal journey full of pain, fears and insecurities. And there is salvation in walking together. Knowing that we do not suffer alone. Not that I am happy about other people's suffering, but it is the realization that we are all similar, even like are and yet unique. We are connected, we belong. We are alone, but never alone.

Alone is an interesting word. If you look at the German word alone, it is “all-ein”. It consists of “all,” meaning everything or everything, and “ein,” meaning one or united. “All” is also another word for “universe” in German. Universe united in one, all in one. Same story in English.

The entire universe is united, condensed in us, in you, in me. We are all one – all united in one. Even when we feel alone, we belong to each other.

Researching the origins of words can be fascinating and enlightening at the same time.

You are alone and yet not – alone.

I'll let you think about it. Or you can read the poem below and my attempt at explanation is unnecessary. Maybe it's one of those things you understand with your heart and not your head.