How did it happen?
My story: The first month
Fall low, rise higher
The last year (2020/2021) was the most difficult in my life so far, but also one of the most important. Corona and home office certainly played a part in accelerating the deep fall. I worked myself to the point of burnout and then slipped into depression. At times it was so bad that I didn't want to get out of bed and had thoughts about whether life was even worth living with all the suffering - mine and the suffering in the world.
Then at the end of September 2021 I found out that a friend had suddenly died. She was 28 years old and left us overnight. No sign, no illness, no accident. I was grateful that she lived her life to the fullest. She was newly married and traveled a lot with her husband. She lived.
A decision for life
How did her death affect me? This event made everything unimportant: my job, my problems, my depression. Everything suddenly became irrelevant. I started questioning everything in my life. I live really and am I honoring life? What am I even doing here? Is that all? I wanted to know: the truth. I wanted to feel the fullness. I knew there was more and I just couldn't see it yet. My life was more than ok, from the outside it was very good. And yet I knew something important was missing. It was exactly this conflict that led me to depression. I was supposed to be happy with a life like this, but I wasn't. Something was missing. But what? So I asked, “Universe, show me the truth.” and decided to dedicate my life solely to this goal. That also meant I had to clean up. Make room for the truth, internally and externally.
Make space for the truth
It was the end of September 2021. We had been growing distant for months. I felt compelled to talk to him after receiving the devastating news of my girlfriend's death. What had become of our relationship?
I had held back on my spirituality and connection to God because he only believed in science. Thank God I started learning to be more honest with myself and realized that I was deluding myself.
One relationship ended and a new, completely different relationship opened up about the beauty of nature.
Nature: God's creation?
I've been out in nature a lot over the last few years. I have taken thousands upon thousands of photos of all kinds of landscapes. From flower petals to mountain ranges, scenic green fields and impressive waterfalls. I kept thinking: Just because nature is so beautiful doesn't mean it couldn't have happened by chance. How does beauty imply some kind of creator?
I appreciated nature and its beauty more intellectually than with my heart. I mind the awesomeness rather than the real it to feel. I couldn't feel it because I wasn't connected to my heart. I was cut from the throat down. My mind ruled. Therefore, my heart had become hardened over the years. With the help of physical exercises and meditation, I learned to reconnect with my body and therefore with my heart. In order to increase awareness and actually be in presence, I need to let my head rest.
The universe seemed to respond fairly quickly to my request for the truth. At the beginning of October 2021, I started waking up very early, but not on purpose. Something, or rather someone, woke me up at 4:30 a.m. and made me want to go for a walk. I was wide awake. Very unusual for someone like me who liked to sleep until 8:55am when the first meeting started at 9am.
The Creator is present in all of His creation
On these newly discovered morning walks I experienced nature so intensely. Once I accepted the fact that I was so small as a human being, I began to recognize God's greatness in creation. Only by taming my ego could I uncover my blindness and see the full greatness of God in all things around me.
For the first time I was so sure that everything that exists on this planet was truly created and not accidental. For the first time I could see and feel God's handwriting in the eyes of a child, in the details of a bird's feathers, in the delicate movements of the leaves of the trees, in the fascinating reflection of sunlight in the water.
The beauty of creation finally led me to the Creator.
I wasn't looking for God. I longed for the truth - not knowing that it made no difference.
My whole life I have been searching for the truth that will fill this inner emptiness and longing within me. In various phases of my life I had contact with Buddhism, Christianity, Islam and even a touch of New Age briefly crept in. Even science became a substitute for religion at times.
They all teach beautiful and good things: love and be good to other people and living beings, love yourself, be careful, do not do evil. From this perspective they seemed very similar to me. So much so that I saw no reason to follow a religion. No religion really felt complete. Something was always not right for me. So I picked the best of them all and lived “my own truth.”
Just like I did as a child, growing up between two cultures: the virtues of direct honesty and precision from the Germans on the one hand, the warmth and family ties from the Vietnamese on the other. My optimized package. That's how I wanted to be. Take the best of all worlds. Why limit yourself?
This is what has happened to me in recent years with the topic of spirituality and God. I have always (most of the time) believed in a greater power that transcends the human or mundane. But it made me very sad and desperate how much conflict there was between religions. Paradoxically, especially between those who are very similar. I didn't understand why they were arguing about - from my perspective at the time - details.
Which prophet is followed, which background story is accepted. Some things seemed downright absurd to me, or at least arbitrary. A man who lived two thousand years ago is said to have redeemed people from all their sins through his death. And then resurrected straight away. For what reason? How did people back then know that this was really the case? Can this even be proven? It sounded to me like a fairy tale that wasn't thought through and left me with more questions than answers.
Jesus just a fairy tale?
The foundation of Christianity, Jesus as the Son of God and God and at the same time fully human, was intangible to me and I simply could not accept it. God, yes. I feel, I experience, I see in the nature around me, in the beauty and wonders of this world. The Holy Spirit, yes, sometimes I discover wisdom in myself that surprises me, as if it didn't come from me. Ok, so far, so good.
But Jesus? In my eyes, he was just a wise man who meditated often and was highly self-reflective and connected to everything, helping and inspiring many people. A very good role model and definitely worth revering. But Jesus, the Son of God and God? I just couldn't get it into my head.
Christianity & Church: Dangerous?
That's why Christianity was unapproachable to me for a long time and I explicitly closed myself off from it. The scandals and cover-ups in the news haven't made it any better. It felt dangerous. The Catholic Church, the largest sect in the world. I have to say that I didn't come across any or few practicing Christians. Or they were incognito. So my image of Christianity was tied to what I thought was an absurd story about a man who was supposed to be the savior and the news on television. No wonder it took so long.
God is… more than religion or church
I didn't yet understand that these seemingly small details laid the foundation for who God is. The foundation of faith. Please note here that I am talking about faith, not about the Catholic Church as an institution or even about religion. No, I mean the faith that lives for every single person from the personal relationship with God. Because God is more than church, more than religion.
It is not important how religions provide rules to describe what makes a good person, but rather how they define the image of God. This is where everything stands or falls. I finally understood that the definition “Who is God?” In Christianity it forms the foundation so that everything has its place and becomes coherent. The details are more explicit than in any other religion. Even more amazing when I realized it was real and true.
A special morning
Mid-October 2021. I was visiting my parents in Germany. It was a beautiful morning. Again I woke up much earlier than I would have liked. Again I went for a walk. There was something special in the air that didn't just come from the fog and golden sunlight creating a special atmosphere. I have spent almost my entire life in this place in Germany and I had never seen it as beautiful as it was that morning.
Although death and separation were still very recent events, I was happier than I had ever been in my life. I was so connected to myself, to nature, and felt a sense of peace when I went for a walk early in the morning. I had the best week of my life behind me.
One surprise after another. One coincidence after another. Wonderful encounters, wonderful conversations. With colleagues I hadn't seen for a long time, with strangers in a restaurant, at the hairdresser. Everything pointed towards God. Everything felt as if an invisible hand was guiding me, collecting puzzle pieces that would then form a complete picture.
On this particular morning, I was reading a few chapters from Teresa of Avila's Inner Castle on a bench by the Main. What she described was exactly what I had been going through in the last few weeks. The inner struggle to get closer to God. She described so wonderfully what was going on inside me.
The car ride of my life
Although I didn't want to go back to Switzerland until the next day, something tempted me to go a day earlier. And it happened exactly on this car ride:
I was just cruising along the highway when suddenly there was a traffic jam. I stopped. I looked up at the sky ahead. And... I saw an angel. Really? I'd been thinking a lot about God these past few weeks. But angels? Somewhat confused, I chalked it up to my imagination. It's just a coincidence. I tried to ignore it, but an inner impulse told me there was more to it. So I looked up at the sky again. The angel was gone. And then I saw Him. Jesus. His gaze on me and his voice pierced through me:
“Do you believe now?”
Everything suddenly made sense and made sense
Everything suddenly made sense. My life questions were answered in one fell swoop. I didn't know it yet, but from that moment on I was born again. I finally understood the supposedly crazy street beggar with the cardboard sign "Jesus lives. Jesus is the answer." Crazy. An interesting word. It implies that something was OK and is now crazy. But how often have I wondered what has happened to our world. Is it really "OK"? Would there then be so much suffering, so many wars, so much loneliness, so much pain, both big and small? Hardly. Who or what was really crazy here?
Suddenly had not only does it all make sense, it made also sense. As if I could connect all the dots and gain the knowledge and wisdom about life, the world and my place in it. Without reading a single line in any book or getting concrete answers to my life questions. The answer was simple: Jesus. He connects heaven and earth. God and people. He is the bridge that allows us humans to have a personal relationship with God, with a person and not with an abstract concept. He shows what love means. By loving and giving everything. By giving himself, he showed us how to love ourselves, him, and each other.
Free at last
So there I was, sitting in the car in the middle of the highway. I felt freer than ever before. Free from fear, free from worries. Pure, true freedom. In that moment, He took away all the burden and oppression and enveloped me in love. He was everywhere. So overwhelming and yet so gentle that tears slowly rolled down my cheeks. Nothing I could write would do it justice. More details would rob the whole thing of its divine, heavenly quality. Suffice it to say: it's good that randomly There was a brief traffic jam (and Google Maps didn't know about it), because experiencing that at 150km/h would have been quite dangerous.
A new, beautiful world
October 14, 2021. A few days after that car ride, I learned that a large Christian youth festival would be taking place in the city where I lived. Right on my doorstep. What a coincidence. So I signed up. I wanted to hear other people's stories of how they encountered Jesus. I would like to share with them how things went for them. Also a little to make sure I haven't gone crazy. But deep inside me, in my soul, I knew without a doubt that Jesus was the way to life. What I remember most is the feeling that overwhelmed me when I entered the monastery when I saw all these beautiful young people. Images of God, beauty beyond compare. It felt like my eyes were opened to a new, free world that I hadn't noticed before.
Raised with faith
On the first day of the festival we were in an exchange group. I told them what I had experienced a few days ago and was surprised at the reaction of others. They looked at me with a mixture of amazement and great joy and hope. I didn't know what to do with it, I thought they had experienced something similar. Only gradually did I realize what a gift I had received. Most of the young people grew up with their parents' faith and at some point made a conscious decision to believe. Most had not seen Jesus and still believed. I admired that so much. I couldn't imagine how I could believe all this without having had such a relevant experience. Little by little I realized how lucky I was.
Infinite love, peace, joy and freedom
I spent 3 days with these people in exchange, in prayer, and listening to impulses and lectures. I threw myself into the ice-cold water. I experienced my first Holy Mass. I dealt with foreign words such as laude and praise.
I had never opened a Bible at that point and was far from wanting to (but that's another story). I found myself preaching a few times. It was during these days that I really became aware of the Holy Spirit, his presence in me, the fire in my heart.
Everything was new and yet so familiar, so natural. I kept looking at the situation from an eagle's perspective and it seemed so absurd to me. With the gaze of my unbelieving friends, I looked at myself eating a piece of bread and was truly convinced that it was Jesus. Without anyone having to tell me. I quickly dismissed that look and went back to myself. I felt what I had already tasted in the car. Infinite love, peace, joy and freedom.
That was the truth.
Jesus is the light that led me out of darkness.
Music
© Nhat Lai