holes in the heart

Written by Theresa Nhật Lai Ngô on Sunday, January 9, 2022, Epiphany

Do you see the scar on my chest?

When I was 4 years old, I had a hole in my heart. And I don’t mean that metaphorically – a real hole. They opened my chest and closed the hole.

My heart has been repaired, physically...

Closing the first hole revealed another

Nobody knew (including me) that there was still a hole in my heart.

One that I had from the day I began existing in this world, one that longed for something or someone who would make my heart whole again - who would fill the gap and all the emptiness.

As the world celebrated with fireworks, I was searching for my inner fireworks display.

On New Year's Eve I liked to sit by the open window in the room where I spent my childhood when I was just 7 years old. There on the windowsill I looked up into the dark, starry night. As the world celebrated with fireworks, I was searching for my inner fireworks display.

Purpose, meaning, why?

What was my goal? What was the meaning of life? Why do I exist? The usual questions you ask yourself at a certain point in life.

I was looking for myself.

I was looking for the truth.

But where should I look?

I sat on the windowsill, staring at the starlit night sky and listening to the outside fireworks display, occasionally punctuated by the church bells in front of me.

I muted those voices and focused on the issues at hand.

Like this huge heart surgery scar that runs from my chest all the way down to my belly button. I was now a teenager.

I thought looking perfect would help me feel like I belonged.

So I started to cover up the scar on my chest, I wanted to pretend it wasn't there, like it wasn't part of me. I put on layers of clothing to hide them: only high collars, no V-necks. I was constantly looking for ways to better hide them.

It started to take over my life.

Covering up, hiding, not wanting to see the truth

I did the same with the unwanted longing, the questions pounding in my chest, the hole that was left behind.

I tried stuffing them with all sorts of things, like you might stuff a turkey on Thanksgiving with just the leftovers from last night's dinner.

Search outside

As I got older, I went out into the world. I searched far and wide. Always thinking about the next, even more epic, even more exciting journey.

But the feeling of freedom and joy never lasted more than a moment. It was as superficial on the inside as it was euphoric on the outside.

As I looked up into that endless night sky, I stood there, in the middle of nowhere, and asked myself: Where do I belong?

I threw the question out like a boomerang and it bounced right back at me.

I realized I had nothing.

In the moments of silence, I realized I had nothing. That an essential part was missing to fill this hole in my heart.

The feeling of being a fraud crept up on you. An impostor. Especially when Instagram came into play, I felt like I was painting a picture of a life that wasn't mine. I was only showing a tiny part of who I was.

But who was I? I wasn't honest with myself. It felt untrue. What was the truth? All these questions kept knocking, louder and louder.

Happy ending without end

Why am I telling you this story? Because I have good news.

The hole in my chest? It was finally repaired. It is filled with peace, joy, freedom and love. Abundant and endless, like the starry night sky I have gazed at all my life.

But how? I would like to say that it fell from heaven, that it happened out of the blue. But that would only be part of the truth. In fact, everything I needed was always there, within me. The answer stared at me from that dark hole I kept trying to ignore. Just like when you feel someone trying to make eye contact with you, but you keep looking somewhere other than the person's eyes.

I didn't want to look, afraid of what might await me there, of the unknown. But when I reached a point where there was nothing to be afraid of, when the longing for peace and truth surpassed all other desires... that was the moment I dared to look - I decided watch. I uncovered layer after layer, deep within my soul... over weeks and months.

When I decided I wanted to see the truth, it was revealed to me.

The truth is the beginning and the end of this journey, and beyond.

All who seek the truth are seeking God, whether they realize it or not.

Edith Stein (1891–1942)

Seychelles 2021: The Starry Night and Me

That's not to say it's all rainbows and sunshine now. But life is full. The hole is filled with the one thing that was supposed to fill it. And with him came peace and trust. Even in the worst storms.

My heart is whole.