Desert Time Part 2: There is Growth in the Desert

Written by Theresa Nhật Lai Ngô on Sunday, December 22, 2024

It was a tough time, but without this part of the story there would be no story. My imperfections are meant to show God's perfect goodness and greatness.

Back to reality

End of December 2023. After the shock of the first night, I sat on the beach in Alexandria and screamed inwardly into the vast sea why God had done this to me (and realized at the same moment that I had done it to myself). I cried desperately and just wanted to get away. Go home again.

Across the sea lay Europe, the seemingly safe harbor, my refuge. So close and yet so far. I asked myself why God allowed all this to happen. Why He hadn't warned me and why He wasn't there now to get me out. I probably wasn't ready to hear Him anyway. Now I wanted to hear Him and He said nothing. I wanted to get away from here, but I knew that this despair would follow me all the way to Europe if my dear God didn't revive my faith in Him first.

God respects my freedom

Thank God I finally realized that I had stubbornly followed my own will and that it had led me to ruin. It hurt and I was sorry. There I was again, ready. He would not ignore my contrite heart (see Psalm 51:19). I called out into the sea: "What do you want me to do, God? I give everything back into your hand." A quiet inner voice gave me peace and the feeling that I was completely free to decide whether to leave Egypt immediately or to stay. But why should I stay, other than to find my way to Sinai? Was this just another one of my adventurous, ill-conceived, "great" ideas?

The Call to Sinai

Sinai is, after all, the place where God revealed himself to Moses. There where he engraved his commandments on two stone tablets with his finger. An eternal covenant with those who follow his will. Should I dare to go up the mountain myself to put aside my disbelief and make a sign that from now on I will try to live in God's will, which only has good in mind? Yes, something had to change. I didn't want to leave this place. still worse than when I entered. I wanted to risk it, assuming that God would bring me back home two weeks later, safe and sound, as planned. As God wills it. So I decided to stay. Then a deep peace came over me again and an inner voice whispered to me: "Thank you for your trust."

The Burning Bush – Exodus 3:1-10

Cairo – a wasteland, this city

At first glance, I experienced Egypt as a land abandoned by God. In the cities in particular, the darkness and unrest that weighed on my mind even during the day was almost unbearable. Thank God, I still had my oases of light and peace: with Jesus in the tabernacle, the Eucharist, the wide sea and children playing on the beach promenade with their parents. Here, the world was still intact.

This place otherwise felt like a boot camp, a training camp where I had to rely on God, completely overwhelmed, and continue to grow with Him and strengthen my muscles of trust in God. So there is growth in the desert, but with much more effort and exertion, because the conditions for growth are more than unfavorable, even hostile. However, it is also true that a plant that survives the harsh conditions of the desert becomes much more resilient.

The Eucharist – Oasis of Life

So I clung stubbornly to the daily Eucharist - Jesus. My nourishment, my strength, my support. My faith in Jesus in the Eucharist was strong, unshakable. My faith in Jesus, the Son of God, was barely there anymore. Paradoxical. But the more I argued with Mohammed, the more I insisted that Jesus was God, even though I still had great doubts inside.

Every day I took a taxi to downtown Alexandria for Holy Mass. Most of the time I was accompanied by Mohammed, who was both a protection and a threat to me. Several times he said that the priest prayed "In the name of the Freemasons" at the beginning of the Mass instead of "In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit." So I asked him to record everything on his cell phone the next time. On that day of all days, the priest had chosen the right words. Nothing to do with Freemasons. So I continued to insist on attending Holy Mass.

The daily measurement times were more or less constant, but were occasionally shifted to the late afternoon hours due to planned, district-specific power outages. I did not wear a headscarf like most women on the street. Most people who were seen in public were men. Only later did I realize that it was almost suicidal not to wear a headscarf.

Fighting under the protective umbrella of Mary

Many people I met also seemed tired of life. At the checkout in the supermarket, on the bus on the way to work or in a restaurant. I didn't feel well. And yet I had faith in God. The enormous protective power of the rosary, Mary's lifeline, had become a particular refuge at that time. Mary was my veil.

I had trouble sleeping at night for the first few days. The Kaaba channel was constantly on in the living room. Arabic voices drummed away constantly while people walked around the black stone. Every time I turned off the TV, it was turned back on after a while. It seemed like torture. I prayed one Ave after another even more persistently until I finally fell asleep.

Tired looks and heavy hearts. Come, Lord, Jesus, come.

Covenants, Revelations & the Coming of Jesus

I tried to come to terms with Mohammed. He cooked, did the laundry, introduced me to his family. I knew what he was planning. From day one I made it clear to him that it was all a big misunderstanding and that I was sorry, but that I was neither interested in moving to Egypt nor in signing a marriage contract with him.

I still took the opportunity to tell him about the difference between a prenuptial agreement and a Christian marriage. The marriage he was imagining was a prenuptial agreement and had nothing to do with the marriage in which God is the first in the covenant and the center. A covenant is very different from a contract because we make a covenant with God and God keeps his part of the covenant forever. Unfortunately, we keep breaking it. In any case, marriage between a man and a woman is conceived as an image of God, which usually produces a child as its fruit. The family is therefore a triune image - father, mother, child - of the divine Trinity - Father, Son, Holy Spirit. I tried in vain to explain it, because it already failed because of Mohammed's image of God, which did not allow for three persons. Most Holy Trinity, grant us your grace, wisdom, knowledge and understanding so that we may receive the mystery of your being.

Our conversations mostly revolved around God, especially Jesus and His second coming. At least we agreed on that. We hoped for Jesus' coming, because then all people would see what the truth is. From a Christian perspective, every eye would then see who the truth is.

Behold, he is coming with the clouds, and every eye will see him, even those who

have pierced him; and all the peoples of the earth will mourn because of him and

complain. Yes, amen.

Revelation 1:7

Mohammed's image of Jesus had not changed during the discussions and even after the many masses. Above all, our ideas about the end-time judgement were very different. We even went through the whole book of Revelation together, but I think he was too busy trying to dissuade me from my path to consider a new path himself. Of course, that applies to me too. That's what happens when everyone thinks they have the truth. But the truth cannot be owned, because it is a person. Lord Jesus, have mercy on us. You can make something good out of everything. Lead us to you, merciful God.

Only goal: Sinai

Mohammed organized the trip to Sinai for me. This turned out to be more complicated than I thought. At the time, there was an increased risk of bomb attacks on Egypt's northern border due to the Middle East conflict, which meant that the tour organizers kept changing the times or canceling tours. I still insisted on finding a way to Sinai. After all, that was the only reason I wasn't on the plane home yet. After much back and forth, Mohammed told me the day of our departure for St. Catherine's Monastery.

Human Gods and Divine Humans

We first drove a few hours from Alexandria to Cairo. I didn't miss a short tourist stop at the Pyramids of Giza and the Sphinx with a broken nose, as the connection to Sinai was not until the night. I also visited the place where Jesus, Mary and Joseph spent three months when they fled from Palestine to Egypt to escape the hand of Herod. A church now stands on this site. Because of a threatening confrontation with a policeman/inspector at the church entrance, I ultimately had neither the opportunity nor the constitution to stay long at this significant place. I quickly took a few photos and said a short prayer. And off I went.

Intentional and unwanted stopovers

The journey to the central station for the long-distance bus to Sinai was hectic and unpeaceful. In the metro, people from all sides were talking to me in Arabic like rockets, so we left the metro early and looked for a taxi. The taxi driver didn't seem to know his way around very well and kept missing the turn, so Mohammed decided to get out in the middle of a wide, busy main road. The taxi driver followed him and seconds later a small public transport bus stopped. Men, apparently related to the taxi driver, got out and stormed towards Mohammed. I stood on the side of the road, praying fervently that nothing bad would happen and reminding God of His promise. Then I saw a woman on the public transport bus who was also looking at me.

Alexandria, Cairo... Sinai!

The heated situation dissolved and we found a place to eat something and calm down. Mohammed suggested that we give up and cancel the trip to Sinai should, but now I wanted to go there more than ever, whatever the cost. God gave me His word, so He will keep it. This scaremongering, as it seemed to me, did not shock me for very long, because I saw no other solution to make peace with God and renew the covenant with him than to make a pilgrimage to the planned destination. Thank you, God, for not letting me waver on your path. It was clear that we would go to Sinai that night.

An oasis of peace in the midst of enemy territory

Blessed are you, Lord, because salvation is nearer to us than when we first believed. Let us lay aside the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. The night is far gone, the day is at hand. The Messiah is coming, our King, whom John the Baptist announced: Behold the Lamb of God!

Let us rejoice in the Lord, for he has shown us his ways; we will walk in his paths. For out of Zion comes his law, and his word from Jerusalem. He will rebuke many nations, and they will beat their swords into plowshares; nation will no longer lift up sword against nation.

Lord Jesus Christ, we eagerly await you as our Savior. You will transform our poor body into the likeness of your glorious body! You will seek the lost sheep, bind up the wounded and strengthen the weak. You will let them graze in righteousness. It is you who makes us steadfast until the end.

Let the heavens melt, let the clouds rain down justice from above! Let the earth open and bring forth salvation! Behold, the virgin will give birth to a child and they will call him Emmanuel, God with us. He is the Prince of Peace who came from the bosom of the Father. He visits us in his great mercy. Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Let us wait patiently for the precious fruit of the earth, for His coming is near! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Excerpt from the Praises for Advent (Community of Beatitudes)